I have wanted to write a post like this for some time now, but it very personal. I just wasn’t sure if this is something I wanted to put out there. But it’s Alzheimer’s, it’s this disease and it’s what I work through every morning when I wake up for school and leave Curt sound asleep at home and head off to school with out him.
Yes with out him!
That is what is so hard these days, we are married, we are a partnership, we are friends…..but as of late there are so many decisions, events, happenings…just life that I am living with out his input or involvement.
That partnership is dissolving and I am forging on ahead with out my sweet husband!
He becomes more and more oblivious to what is happening with in our household, he is more apathetic, and spends most of the day at the computer or occasionally watching the news or sports events. He seems to relish time to himself and peace and quiet.
I try to get him involved with activities, he will linger for a bit, but finds more comfort in his daily, simple routine.
It’s a slow, grieving process, that each day seems to chip away a bit of our marriage. I am painfully aware that he is not with us when we go places and that we are losing dear Curt as he slips more and more into the big black hole of Alzheimer’s. He may be physically with us for something, but I can assure you the Curt that is with us, is not the same fun loving, active, involved, Curt that I have known for 22 years now.
(I just had to post this OLD pic of Curt, but as you can see he was such a fun loving, goofball Dad!! He let the kids duct tape him to a tree!!!!)
As I was pondering much of this in my heart, I read the words below at a dear friend’s blog. Her husband has had numerous surgeries for a brain tumor that has also caused endless seizures. Her thoughts seem to reflect much of what I have been feeling. So I am going to borrow Helen words from Mom of Six
“ There is peace in my heart, we have times of laughter, I am thankful to God for so many things but life is not as it once was and it’s not as it should be. God created Adam and Eve in that garden as perfect humans. There was not cancer, pain, sadness, sin. But when sin entered the world all of that changed.
And yes, I believe God is sovereign over all. I believe that He uses ALL things for our good, even brain tumors, BUT they are a result of the fall and one day…oh one day…it will be different.
Rev. 21: 1, 3-4 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea…And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Phew, thanks Helen for helping me put some order to my scattered thoughts and ever shifting emotions! We press on for there is Hope in knowing there will be a new Heaven and a new Earth, and Curt will be made new and whole again!
I do have a big prayer request to mention. Curt still struggles with the anger issue, it really has not gotten any better, I think I have just grown more numb to it all and have not let it consume me as it once did. But we must find him a local neurologist. We had planned to see an excellent neurologist in Hershey, but his practice is moving to NY. Thus I am back to starting over. So please pray that I can find someone local ( I do have a few names to call), that Curt will be willing to go, and that we can get in soon!! (I am afraid that will be the hard part!!) Curt really needs some kind of med to help with the anger. The things he says is just NOT HIM and I am the one he blames for everything. I am glad it’s not the kids, but I do grow weary of it. Tough to listen to!
Thanks friends and readers, I can not tell you how blessed we are by so many of you!!! Can I just tell you how stinkin nice the people of this community are! We have been blessed with meals and so many little acts of kindness!! <3 We are thankful!
I also have a fun praise that I will post soon…….it’s a story of God’s providence for us through a lawn mower! :) But that will have to wait for another day.