Oh my the last time I wrote a blog post was in September!
4 months since I posted on this ole blog of mine.
Where do I start so much has happened…
I have been so busy….
I have been overwhelmed and honestly, tired.
Tired of living in chaos, tired of always being tired, tired of dealing with migraines, tired of being responsible for everything, tired of making decisions on my own…………
Where do I start……Let me start with Josh……….
I was at our local Target one night a few weeks ago. I hear a voice calling out my name, as I glance in the direction of the voice, I see a young special needs man waving at me with a big smile on his face. I recognized him, but I just could not remember his name. I was confused, I didn’t think he was one of my former students, but how do I know him I wondered?
I went over to say Hi, and he gives me a big hug, and immediately says, “where is Mr. Morris?” It’s then I noticed the young man is wearing an Eagles football hat. Then it hits me………..
This is NOT one of MY former students, this was a student that Curt used to love to trash talk football with while he had cafeteria duty. This young man attended our high school before I started teaching the special needs group I have now.
He wanted to see Curt, not me, I was hopefully just a way to get to Curt. Josh was so eager to talk football, it all spilled out, he wanted me to tell Mr. Morris all of it, every bit of his onslaught of trash talk. “Don’t forget anything I told you, tell him all of it” he prodded me with an exuberant smile on his face as I turned to leave.
I cried as I walked out of Target into the brisk, cold wind of that gloomy evening. I thought, Oh how I miss Curt, how I wish he could trash talk football with everyone (and trust me he did it well!). I miss him around the house, I miss him watching Fox News while I was still trying to sleep on school mornings, I miss him yelling at the TV during football season, I miss his drum playing, heck I even miss him while shopping at Target. I know you are thinking he is still here, but really, so much of him is gone.
I yearn for those engaging glimpses of his fun sense of humor when I visit. I love seeing his hands start moving to play drums when I play music, I love when I see his sweet smile and how he tells me every time he sees me he loves me.
But that is all they are……glimpses.
I have heard people say when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, it’s like being a “married widow.” That is a good way of explaining it.
And that I think accounts for my lack of blogging lately…….simply, I am tired and overwhelmed.
It’s been a long 4 years, Oct 1st 2010 Curt was diagnosed, but Alzheimer’s had been lurking in the shadows for at least 2 years before that. I have been the one leading the family charge for sometime now, getting the kids through sports, college visits, teaching them to drive, college apps, paying the bills, walking the dog, laundry, car repairs and car wrecks, yard work, back surgery, emergency appendectomy, two broken ankles for Tyler….oh the list goes on and on and on……
But I have also learned that is exactly where God wants me to be at a loss, having no strength to press on. Realizing I can NOT do this on my own.
It is only as I daily seek His strength can I muster the daily fortitude to get up and press on. When I lose that focus on the Lord I tend to grasp at frustration, negativity and hopelessness. It’s such an easy ploy when life throws you more than you can handle.
As I embark on 2015, I am taking a moment to reflect on this journey, to focus on how God has met our needs in ways I could never have imagined, and how I have learned that He alone gives me strength daily to lift my head and press on! So today as I head back to school after a much needed break, I am thankful for the many lessons learned on this journey. Including a big one, a constant reminder that my ultimate goal is not to be able to fix everything and control everything but to simply seek first the kingdom of God and commune with Him and trust God to take care of the rest!
Happy 2015 Friends!
So much has gone on with Curt in the last few months as he continues to decline. He was placed on hospice care about a month ago. He had lost a lot of weight and has struggled. But hospice care has been a real help and support. I am going to leave you with this video link from a TV interview I did a few months ago on having a spouse with Alzheimer’s. Just click on the blue link to view it and see the article.
And hopefully I will be back here blogging again
before 4 months pass 😄